I know you will never see this. I know that you don’t care.
I love you so much.
I think about you every day. I miss you so much and I would do anything to have you back. I know that what I did isn’t right. I know that I don’t deserve you anymore.
I spent three years being the best friend that I could.
Helping you and trying to make you happy all of the time.
You were my entire world and the only thing that kept my heart beating when I needed you the most. And I tried to be that for you. I really did.
You were my everything.
My best friend, my support, my companion, my fellow comedian, my trickster, my everything. I didn’t need anything but you.
I am so in love, and I am sorry. I would have done anything in the world to trade these feelings away so that I could keep you. I fought them off for so long because I needed you more than any man, any thing, any other person.
and you left me.
I begged you to stay because I needed you.
Not because I didn’t think it was right for you to leave.
Not because I was worried about the impact it would have on anyone else. I cared about those things…
But not as much as I needed you.
And you just disappeared. You lied to me and told me that you were going to stay. That I could move in with you and spend all of my time moving up in life with you. Helping you take care of your son and keeping you company while we both work subpar jobs we hate moving towards something we would be happy with.
And you just left.
And it still hurts so much it brings me to tears any time I think about it.
That you could just leave me when I came back for you. When I came back to somewhere I was miserable so I could be with you.
I almost left him that night.
The one he talked to you like shit.
When I heard what he was saying to you… All the mean nasty things I didn’t know he was capable of. I was so mad he could ever talk to somebody I love so much that I hung up the phone and told him not to ever fucking talk to you like that again. I justified it by saying I was worried what it would do to him in the custody battle. That he can’t talk to you like that if he wants any form of visitation. But that wasn’t it. I couldn’t stand to hear someone speak to you like that.
I know I can never right my wrongs. I know you will never be my best friend again. I am happy when I am with him, and you know I have been so unhappy for so long… I wish it was somebody else. I wish it was somebody who I got to keep you with. I love him. He keeps me going, makes me move forward when I just want to stand still, makes me want to accomplish something greater. That’s what you were to me. I wish you had never left. I wish things hadn’t happened this way.
I know I could never have the best of both worlds, so I chose the one that would stick around.
I regret that when I want to call you.
When I forget for a minute that you aren’t any piece of my life anymore.
When I drive by your old apartment and for a split second remember stopping by every day. Not often… but sometimes.
i miss you so much.
i still love you more than you will ever know.
i know its unlikely.
but i hope you see this.
even if it makes you mad, makes you hate me more.
i still love you more than you will ever know,
more than you ever did know.
im so sorry.
im so so sorry.